I turned to a male co-worker of mine to commiserate, and he said:
"He only cuts the hot ones. It's because you're not pretty."
I did my best to act unaffected. I think I just said "yeah" or some other bullshit thing like that. I immediately sensed that he realized he said something idiotic. He actually came over and put his arm around me, almost as if to say, "We're in this together." I even thought for a second he was going to apologize... but why would he? I basically nodded my head, and agreed with him.
My compliance and silence is why I cried on the way home. I'm so angry with myself for not calling him out. I've already replayed the moment in my head 20 times. How am I, despite all my self-acceptance strides, still this person? I thought I had grown into a confident and secure woman. How could I say nothing? By not correcting and confronting, I'm only playing a role in perpetuating, and for that I'm very disappointed in myself.
It's so easy to come back home and blog about it, but in the moment, I felt incredibly insecure. It reminded me of elementary school. I flashbacked to the moment when I was the little girl feeling sad when the bully yells at me from across the lunchroom that she is fat and ugly.
I said nothing then, too.
*He never made mention of the fact that I am not hot because I'm fat. I acknowledge this is an assumption-- since society decided that long ago.
Even confident people can get hurt, don't let a jackass make you question your self worth!
ReplyDelete(Hi! Fellow Portlander here)
I can relate to this on many levels. And hoolly crap you are pretty! You should bring this exchange up to either your boss or the guy himself. That stuff shouldn't be tolerated. Stay strong!
I've totally had moments like this at work. Hilarious thing is even when I was thin and young I was still not considered a "hot one". I have spent my whole life with quick quips and swift come backs and they still don't protect me from people saying stupid things and hurting my feelings. Now if someone is ignorant enough to cut me down based on my appearance or plus size figure, I look at them square and tell them " your opinion mean very little to me, I've had to learn how to walk again after an injury and manage to work out four days a week as well as love myself and be comfortable in my own skin. Some day if you stop saying ignorant things to people you may grow some self confidence too". The beautiful thing is....I mean it. I could give a shit about some pie hole manager who thinks he wants to get in little girls underpants. I could care what some dough headed coworker says to judge my appearance. Really, most people who say rude crap need to look in the mirror. Seriously.....your lovely and you heart shines with love and sweetness. I bet you also worked longer and walked away with more tips! I send you love...and healing vibes. Hearts, janna lynn
ReplyDeleteOh man. Don't beat yourself up about not answering back. It's one thing to be open and confident online, but real life can throw us for a loop. It's nothing to be ashamed of. The situation you were in is just one of the many ways thin privilege manifests itself. Keep doing what you do, keep doing your blog. It really does make a difference, even if you weren't able to speak up that particular time. x
ReplyDeleteWHAT?!?! what an ass!! oh honey i am so sorry but he is TOTALLY mistaken! you are gorgeous!
ReplyDeletedon't beat yourself up about it though because it came as surprise and sometimes it is hard to act on something like that. and in the heat of the moment you might have said something that you may have regretted. you still have the opportunity to tell him what he said was uncalled for and rude and if he ever says anything like that again to you, you will go to management because really it is sexual harassment and no body should be subjected to that kind of behavior! i am so so sorry that he said that to you. sending you a big hug!
xoxoxoxoxox.
cb
thanks!
ReplyDeletei'd really love to draw more confidence in those real situations though. it's so much more difficult, and i think that is the next step.
ReplyDeletethank you!
ReplyDeletei'm considering it! in nervous and confrontational situations though, my default reaction is to cry. if i feel like i can calmly express myself, i think i will.
ReplyDeleteI feel you so deeply on this. I've had very similar circumstances happen like this multiple times over the past few weeks, and they sit in the forefront as my mind since I'm currently studying fat activist bloggers for school and thinking hard about my "failure to confront". I was really hard on myself, too. I've been blogging for almost 2 years, reading blogs for longer than that, and yet I can't speak up to the people I see on a daily basis that perpetuate fat hate, and in my silence, either go unaware or go unchallenged. I think what you, and I, have to remind ourselves is that self-acceptance is a personal revolution that takes a long time to take hold. I can already see that I don't join in on conversations about people's bodies, "beauty", etc, even when others do, and that's a HUGE jump for me. We all have to give ourselves credit on what we have become, even when an instance like this makes us question our own confidence and self-worth. That being said, I still feel you on wanting to learn better ways (more productive?) to respond to comments like this. Sometimes it’s hard in the moment to feel empowered to respond, but I want to learn to do it, even if it’s days later saying “there’s something you said the other day that made me feel x,y,z.” Easier said than done though, for sure. I don’t have answers, but thank you for letting me think here with you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your blog and look at your pictures I ALWAYS think "she is SOO pretty!". Seriously, you are beautiful. You have this inner glow that makes you shine. When I see you smile in your pictures I have to smile, too.
ReplyDeleteI know that no words will make you feel better now. Just keep in mind that there are people out there, that think you're pretty damn hot! :-)
Ugh, what an ass! It is so hard for me to confront people like that too. He was obviously mistaken, gorgeous lady!
ReplyDeleteglad to know i'm not alone. thanks!
ReplyDeletethat's sweet of you to say, thank you!
ReplyDeletethank you. it's way too hard to find the words in a moment so out-of-nowhere. =(
ReplyDeleteI do not know what you were crying about - you are beautiful. Of course, his decision-making relating to who he let go home is completely flawed and apparently governed by something other than his brain and sensitivity, and it's a shame a lot of us are in roles where we are impacted upon by the behaviour of facile, shallow men above us (as Janna says below, this says more about him than you). We cannot expect to be 'hot' to everyone, and do you really care that he thinks this way about you (or not)? (Btw I am 'thin' via genes and no willpower of my own and have been in similar situations, so be wary of branding the thinnies the enemies - it's more likely the men who are perpetuating these problems).
ReplyDeleteIt would have been difficult to call him on it, given that you heard this second-hand through your colleague (and therefore it's possible he was mistaken...). But don't sink into yourself / try to hide at work, and be ready to challenge him if this goes on.
So some dude doesn't think you're pretty. Whats there to confront him about? His opinion is totally 100% valid. So is yours. Do you believe you're not pretty too?
ReplyDeleteSounds like you missed the point.
ReplyDeleteif you haven't seen me, then you don't know the definition of ugly.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot to confront him about.. He shouldn't just assume that just because HE think she is ugly, that everyone else agree's - including her boss. He should keep HIS rude, unnecessary, very hurtful comment to himself and learn that it isn't OKAY to say such a think to another human being.. There is such a thing as being honest, but she never asked for his opinion anyway and therefor shouldn't have said anything.
ReplyDeleteObviously Gerold think she is beautiful, and I am sure a lot of other men do too.