I turned to a male co-worker of mine to commiserate, and he said:
"He only cuts the hot ones. It's because you're not pretty."
I wish badly I could tell you I responded with something direct. I wish I could tell you I retorted back telling him how rude, unnecessary and hurtful his comment was. I wish I could tell you I didn't cry on my drive home. But such is not life.
I did my best to act unaffected. I think I just said "yeah" or some other bullshit thing like that. I immediately sensed that he realized he said something idiotic. He actually came over and put his arm around me, almost as if to say, "We're in this together." I even thought for a second he was going to apologize... but why would he? I basically nodded my head, and agreed with him.
My compliance and silence is why I cried on the way home. I'm so angry with myself for not calling him out. I've already replayed the moment in my head 20 times. How am I, despite all my self-acceptance strides, still this person? I thought I had grown into a confident and secure woman. How could I say nothing? By not correcting and confronting, I'm only playing a role in perpetuating, and for that I'm very disappointed in myself.
It's so easy to come back home and blog about it, but in the moment, I felt incredibly insecure. It reminded me of elementary school. I flashbacked to the moment when I was the little girl feeling sad when the bully yells at me from across the lunchroom that she is fat and ugly.
I said nothing then, too.
*He never made mention of the fact that I am not hot because I'm fat. I acknowledge this is an assumption-- since society decided that long ago.